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With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, couples everywhere are buying Whitman samplers, making last-minute prix fix reservations, and asking themselves the age-old question, “When is the best day to break up with my significant other?” The heart moves to the beat of its own drum, and we can’t schedule when we fall out of love and that final loving heartbeat sounds. But we can take special care to make sure the day we pop the question (“Will you please severe all forms of communication with me?”) is a special one.
Here are the top 6 days to say adios to your S.O:
1) Their Birthday
Compassion is essential when breaking up with someone. Make it easy for your S.O. to remember the time you were together by ending it on the day they turn a year older. A clean cut on their b-day with make scrapbooking and future conversations about your time together easier for your lover (“I dated him from 22-26. Exactly.”)
2) April Fool’s Day
Lessen the blow of a breakup by allowing your lover to think it’s a prank before realizing that you are, in fact, no longer in love with them, and that is, in fact, not a can of peanuts.
3) June 30
June 30 marks the end of the second quarter, and for some the the end of the fiscal year. Severing emotional ties to your lover on 6/30 will make annual budgeting for both of you a breeze. Without future fancy dinners or affectionate gifts, you’ll both be set up for success and more likely to meet your end-of-year savings goals.
4) Labor Day
If your relationship has become more labor than play, Labor Day can be a great day to call it quits. With most government institutions closed, a Labor Day break-up will protect your ex from sending a harshly-worded letter or suffering at the DMV on an already difficult day.
5) New Year’s Eve/Day
There’s no better day to turn 2 into 1 than on 1/1, so resolve to pull the plug on the first of the year. National Hangover Day can easily become National Never-Hang-Out-Ever-Again Day by letting your companion know right after New Year’s sex. As an added bonus, they’ll easily confuse their emotional pain for the physical pain of their champagne hangover.
6) Valentine’s Day
While it might sound cliché to break up with your beau/belle on Valentine’s Day, it’s the best way to make sure they’ll always remember you for years to come. Make V-Day more bittersweet than milk chocolate by massacring your lover’s heart immediately after a romantic dinner. Years down the road, even after they’ve moved on to a less-attractive, less-successful generic version of you, February 14 will always carry a pang of heartache for what could have been but was really never going to be.
At the end of the relationship, only you know exactly the moment when your slowly-growing repulsion becomes too great to sustain. As Toni Morrison or Aristotle said, “A breakup is what happens when the pain of seeing your lover’s face is greater than the fear of letting go.”